I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
