I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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