i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
