oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
