If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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