I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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