did you get engaged???
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
