I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize