party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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