i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
