halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Drunk is not a location!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
