I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
