Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
