you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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