i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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