I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
babies were throwing up all over the place
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
