I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
