I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
