You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
