Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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