Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize