the condom got lost in my hair
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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