Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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