Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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