all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My penis needs a shock collar
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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