I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
