We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
