Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
