I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
