Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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