she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
