You can't special order awesome
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
