im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
