so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
