So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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