Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
