i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize