to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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