I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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