Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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