my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
