ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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