1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize