Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just want nice things and good sex
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
