I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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