bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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