Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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