When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
