I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize