That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
