I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
