Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
