I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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