rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
