he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
