She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
