There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
