9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
