If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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