I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize