She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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