Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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